Funereal
Plots
Horror
Cinema reviews
Matthew
M. Bartlett
Abigail
Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett
Writers: Stephen Shields and Guy Busick
Spoiler alert, though at this point, between the movie’s marketing and social media, you shouldn’t need it: Abigail is a vampire story, and Abigail, the titular child, played exceedingly well by Alisha Weir, is a vampire. Actually, Abigail is a retread of The Ransom of Red Chief, an O. Henry tale (and later a movie), and a by-now familiar story arc about people who kidnap a child for ransom, but have no idea what they’re in for because they’ve kidnaped a monster.
Donald E. Westlake, the terrific crime writer, riffed on this in his novel Jimmy the Kid. Incidentally, if I recall my Westlake correctly, the crew who does the kidnaping in Abigail are too many by several—a job should utilize only the number of people required and no more. But then there wouldn’t be enough kills to stretch the thin story to feature length.
Also, separate from Westlake, the crew, with the possible exception of an actor who looks distractingly like a buff version of real-life supervillain Elon Musk, is what I like to call “movie-photogenic.” And one of them is clearly speaking in an American accent not his own, another distraction in a movie that needs all the help it can get to focus our attention.
So, anyway, they kidnap the child, she puts on the innocent and scared act, and before long, the crew starts being killed one-by-one. There’s some needless misdirection where the characters think one of Abigail’s protectors is doing the killing, but we all know it’s the little girl. Eventually secret allegiances are yawningly revealed, kidnapers are turned into vampires, vampires explode into titanic volumes of gore should they be touched by sunlight or a stake, Abigail spouts a mouthful of fangs and a wider vocabulary, and it’s all a big yawn.
There will be people who like this—the same people who liked Renfield, I’m guessing. For me, it’s too stylized, too packed with forced humor and crime flick cliches and eye-rolling tough guy/tough gal dialogue. I mean, look, it’s nice to see Giancarlo Esposito, but one wishes he’d been given something to do.
Overall, Abigail strikes me as a missed opportunity. Characters instead of ciphers would have improved matters, and the comedy could have been ratcheted up to match the over-the-top CGI gore effects. About that gore—too much of anything like that has diminishing returns. For me, it’s like the relentless killing in those John Wick movies—after a while it’s all just going through the motions. Sad as it may be, streaming movies compete with Smartphones these days, so filmmakers need to create some complex characters, step up the plotting, and ease up on the brainlessness.